Dear Senator,

I would like to eat at the cafeteria during my lunch break every day, but all they have on the menu are shit sandwiches. I could go for a plain hamburger or even a BLT, if I could. Can you guys do anything about this? I know it's a stretch, and I don't expect much, but I figured I'd at least ask.

Thanks,
Joe Constituent

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Dear Joe,

Yeah, I brought up the lunch menu issue at the last staff meeting. Turns out we got a smokin' deal out of the bargain! As part of a sweeping new lunch program, we got the cafeteria to drop their prices on shit sandwiches by 50%! They're going to call them "Freedom Burgers", now. We made the program mandatory for everyone, so we'll be taking the meal costs out of your paycheck from now on. You won't notice a thing.

Bon Appetit!

Your Senator

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Dear Senator,

Thanks...
/deadpan

The next time I have a problem, I'll be sure to keep it a secret from you.

Joe Constituent